rta_mostyn

From: Sir Mostyn Dafydd, Majordomo
To: Clerks, Junior Clerks, and File Clerks
Re: The Perfect Parakeet

We will never speak of the parakeet incident again.

In completely unrelated news, Auxiliary File Storage Room 32B has been locked, sealed, and barricaded, and should under no circumstances be entered for the next six to eight weeks. Anyone working in Auxiliary File Storage Room 32A who suffers from inexplicably strong reactions to the muffled sound of cheeping should report to counseling staff until said personal flaw has been corrected.

Remember, your professionalism in the face of completely resolved and no longer worthy of discussion peril is what keeps this embassy running!

Saw a bird burst into flames in mid-air today for no readily apparent reason.

Air-breathing fauna are very strange. (Though on consideration, said ability, if natural, could be very useful if enhanced properly for use as a sort of aerial fire bombardment of enemy positions.) And potentially flammable. Must keep this in mind for future research and experimentation techniques.

Never would have dreamed Begmans could properly appreciate cephalopods. Have nonetheless found my own parochial prejudices to be incorrect; that truth and beauty alike continue to lie within the reach of science; the truest expression of squid joy ever known to man.

Must research this marvelous device further. Perhaps a visit to Begma is in order, as vacation time allows.

- Need improved glue. Currently available supply of glue is doing a terrible of sticking turtles to one another. Must examine the formula, upgrade as appropriate.
- May need a replacement turtle.

Came to unexpected success in today's sparring match. Not certain if this is actually reason to be optimistic about success rate vs. possible upcoming assassination attempts. Unlikely to be reason to worry more than any existing reasons for worry, so will assume optimism, hope, long-term survival, et cetera for the time being.

Must remember to speak to Captain M. about security issues, especially involving mirrors. Have been wondering about the possible uses of mirror creation and study for inflitration of mirror-free locations. More study may be required. More study may be highly entertaining. Good combination, that.

Out of tea. Running out of options. Considering moving to a less political career.

Wonder if the University of Begma accepts foreign students to their engineering program.

- Examine updated pony permit paperwork and compare against existing embassy rules to determine if an exception is valid
- Find out just how much screaming will occur from floor-buffing staff if paperwork is approved
- Check with Captain about potential security hazards of introducing ponies to embassy interior
- Tea!
- Reschedule all sleep for tomorrow
- Find out if enormous stack of extradition request paperwork still needs to be delivered to the Watch
- Add perch to the embassy menus for the next week
- Tea!
- Reschedule all sleep for Friday
- Check on Glanworths' return to schedule discussion re: mechanical prophet, fabulous house
- Compose extremely polite eviction notice
- Ask resident selkies about long-term side-effects of breathing-related kissing/handshakes
- Tea!
- Reschedule all sleep for some time next week
- Feed Snooker
- Put out fires caused by excited aestupus
- Apologize to embassy cooks re: huge quantity of perch in the cool room
- Stop by Palace Library to do research while attempting to look not very Rebman (remember the hat)
- Tea!
- Fail to get any sleep (see: rescheduling, tea)

Stayed up all night working on theory & design for mechanical prophet. (Have rescheduled missing hours of sleep for a week from Thursday.) Hypothesis needs testing, but seems sound so far. Suspect trip to Begma may be in order to reduce variables for best functioning of prophetic nature, mechanical nature, combination of the two.

Expecting highly accurate prophecies of major upcoming events related to large quantities of mechanical items in near future as soon as test is attempted. Cannot see how anything could possibly go wrong with this.

No progress on the mechanical prophet experiment due to conveniently mechanically inclined friends being off in Begma. Would take it as inspiration for a visit right now, except for relative instability of international politics this month. Fully aware that "stability" has not lingered overly near concepts like "politics" while locatd in Amber in all the time since having arrived here, but nonetheless feel that departure, frivolous romping through other nations for personal investigations and experimentation would be somewhat improper at this point.

Must remember to remove perch from the embassy baths. Perhaps mechanical perch would be less objectionable? Must investigate upon C&M's return.

Speak with C. about building a mechanical prophet, suitable for predicting future events affecting large numbers of machines, to test new theory re: nature of non-divine prophecy methodology and sympathetic energy with reverse chronological flow.

(Also, try to find someone able to speak with rock, willing to engage in fascinating new experiments related to prophetic abilities of granite. Sandstone? Must research relative sensitivity of varying rock types. Suspect metaphoric rock will be most useful.)

Found out that

Discovered that I shouldn't talk about

Still worried about

Everything is fine today. Nice to be back in Rebma for a few days. Not especially looking forward to visiting Mother, but one does what one must. Will have to remember to call U. and ask her to check in on Snooker for me while away. Could probably use a small vacation anyway.

Princes are terrifying.

Multiple Princes in one location are terrifying exponentially, not linearly.

- Breakfast!
- Check on estimate for bulk order of AutoClerks with C.
- Check on house construction progress, esp. shark pit
- Infuse assorted small, easily contained animals with primal Order
- Find out what happens when they're cross-bred with each other or unmodified animals
- More weapons practice with M., and M. if available
- Select, improve, and send off politically inoffensive yet suitably demonstrative object for J.
- Lunch!
- Look into spring styles for new form creation among trendy young accountants this year
- Discuss benefits, potential disadvantages (any?) of close personal relationship with Order, with various
- Worry about sudden uptick in rate of meetings with royalty, non-Rebman
- Paperwork
- Offer constructive criticism to junior clerks
- Dinner! (With E. if possible)
- Attempt to perfect something entirely new. (Wallpaper? Mustard? Yarn? May be time to ask U. or C. for suggestions.)
- Play with Snooker
- Recreational mathematics
- Sleep (as time allows)

Can't sleep. Prince Caine clowns sharks Prince Caine Scary things will get me.

Have finally found a way to combat the squirrels. All it requires now is working out the last details of the math, and the menace from small furry woodland creatures will finally be properly addressed. Spent a few minutes practicing appropriate dramatic speeches discussing the end to their reign of terror in a mirror, but when even Snooker begins laughing at me, suspect said dramatic speeches should wait. Just don't have the flair to carry them off. Maybe when have acquired as much experience as Uncle S.

Also came to interesting new metaphysical conclusions that suggest best way to improve the universe is to remove certain portions of it, in a suitably surgical manner. Suspect there would be objections in various circles to any attempts to do so. (Then again, possibly not; population of Amber, Golden Circle apparently highly prone to ignoring all major instances of destruction and doom not intimately tied to their own livelihoods, and even some that are. Suspect it is a sort of acquired defensive trait, akin to playing dead in front of predators.) In any case, in no position to act on interesting metaphysical conclusions, though some could do with some discussion and presentation to potentially like-minded individuals.

Also completed the final revision of the new filing system for the embassy. Can only hope that the clerks are prepared for this one. Has been months since the last complete reworking of the filing system, so they ought to be expecting it by now. Will keep them busy while my time's taken up with looking over construction progress on the new house.

Encountered and patted the Best Rock Ever, then got back to the city in time to receive the Best Present Ever. Overall, an excellent day, suitable for memorializing in a diary entry. However, too busy studying the manual for the Best Present Ever to spend much longer creating said diary entry.

Difficulty with being on the verge of a breakthrough is that the verge continues to not, in fact, be the actual breakthrough itself. Growing somewhat weary of trees. They continue to be aboreal and mildly untidy, though one must admire the fractal-like nature of the branch growth patterns among some species.

Must stop by C.'s place to discuss building plans, acquire portable anti-squirrel devices, attempt new improved Begman coffee technique, et cetera, as soon as he and M. return from Begma trip. The empty lot continues to be exceedingly empty, but at least the title and permit issues are being dealt with promptly.